When mumma and tatu came back with dadi, I was overwhelmed with confusion and sadness. Its just too sudden to register, I couldn't process what happened , I wanted to cry but I didn't know why. Everything around me seems too strange, the feeling too thick to penetrate.
When dadi was going, I felt nothing, I dont know what was I supposed to feel, everyone was crying but I was a bit scared. she was going with no intention to return ever, she was leaving me, will she be hurt that I did not cry, or would she be angry? She can't stay angry with me. I'm her bishu but won't change the fact that she won't be here to call me Bishu anymore.
Is this the only reason for these thirteen days because the rituals keep you too busy and prevent you from feeling like someone is missing?
This was the photo we have of her, but this is not doing any justice to how beautiful my dadi is, I regret not having more photos of us together.
The most populated area is the kitchen, where people are chatting about the past. Here, time-bound is not relevant. The nostalgic location, how everything used to be different when they were first married and when their children went off to college, and how everyone used to come here every summer vacation. How dadi use to give me 1 extra egg everytime when we use to make egg curry, how everybody knew I was her favorite grandkid.
Dadi is hardly the main focus, instead, attention is centered on these thirteen-days ceremony, and everyone is busy preparing . Is dadi even on anyone's mind? They are undoubtedly doing this for her, but is she content with it all? She must be observing us becoming so preoccupied that we momentarily lose sight of the fact that we are doing this for her.But I'm sure I'm wrong. Everyone expresses love in different ways. Perhaps this is how they want to express their love for her—they want everything to be flawless because they think it would make her journey easier. No matter where dadi is, they want her to be at ease.
Everyone returned to their own homes now, and although there is now more space for me to embrace my emotions and less noise, I don't like it. I don't like that you won't call me to ask for help getting out of bed, I don't like that no one will call me to get the walking stick, and I don't like that no one will be excited to celebrate my birthday. Without you, dadi, nothing is same.I hope you are watching me from there, I'm a few inches taller now, and I dont have long hair anymore but I'm trying to grow them back, I still talk like a boy, we still call your room dadi wala kamra, I still sleep there only, the bed is not the same anymore but the almirah is.
I miss you and I always will, love you dadi.
I miss you and I always will, love you dadi.
